The Road Home Read online

  The Road Home

  Synopsis

  When she’s passed over for the role of a lifetime, Hollywood actress Gwendolyn Carter is absolutely crushed. That’s when things go from bad to worse. Home to celebrate her dad’s birthday, Gwen discovers her mom is sick and might not have much time left. She stays to help and to repair the emotional rift that has kept them apart for so long. That’s easier said than done, though, because oh-so-perfect Lila Machowicz has all but replaced Gwen as Carol Carter's surrogate daughter.

  Gwen and Lila are forced to work together to support the woman they both care about, even though they’re rivals for a place in Carol’s life. The last thing either expects is an attraction as undeniable as it is inconvenient. When Lila helps Gwen rebuild trust with her mom, Gwen’s heart begins to thaw. But every family has a closet full of skeletons, and when she discovers the family secret, will she ever be able to trust Lila again?

  What Reviewers Say About Erin Zak’s Work

  Beautiful Accidents

  “The main characters had so much chemistry I felt like I was right there with them observing every interaction. The attraction was so well written from their first meeting. The writing was engaging and well paced.”—Melina Bickard, Librarian (Waterloo Library, London UK)

  “Beautiful Accidents is an intriguing and exciting romance with real depth, and I really appreciated how romance is reframed as enrichment rather than sacrifice. Stevie and Bernadette never give up any aspects of their real identities to be together; Zak has created a pair of characters that are definitely going to stick with me.”—Beyond the Words

  “This book kept me engaged from beginning to end. I enjoyed the chemistry between Stevie and Bernadette.”—Maggie Shullick, Librarian, Lorain and Cuyahoga County (Ohio)

  “[T]his lesbian age gap romance book is [Zak’s] best to date. This is an easy one to recommend to romance fans who like a lot of chemistry and some angst.”—Lez Review Books

  “[I]f you want big dramatic feelings, Zak is the way to go.”—Colleen Corgel, Librarian, Queens Borough Public Library

  “This book made my heart ache from the start. When Stevie sees Bernadette for the first time, her breath catches. Mine did too. The way Erin Zak describes reactions, both physical and mental, pulled me in absolutely. It’s both wonderful and painful. It’s what I’m looking for in romances. It’s the best feeling.”—Jude in the Stars

  “Zak takes her time with the characters in developing them as individuals and allowing the relationship time to develop. …This is a bit more of a mature romance in that there is unquestionably a connection but both characters recognize that with their lives at major turning points…that HEA isn’t easy and compromising for the other person holds the danger of regret. There’s drama, but not overblown—it’s real, messy and complicated with difficult decisions that have to be made.”—C-Spot Reviews

  Create a Life to Love

  “Erin Zak does unexpected attraction and sexual awakening late in life really, really well.”—Reviewer@large

  “Create A Life To Love is a soulful story of how love can conquer all. I laughed, cried (sobbed) and got butterflies more than once, and did you see the cover art? Fantastic.”—Les Rêveur

  “This is officially one of my favorite books of all time.”—Maggie Shullick, Librarian, Lorain and Cuyahoga County (Ohio)

  Breaking Down Her Walls

  “If I could describe this book in one word it would be this: annnngggssstt. …If angst is your thing, this a great book for you.”—Colleen Corgel, Librarian, Queens Public Library

  “Breaking Down Her Walls had me completely spun. One minute I’m thinking that it’s such a sweet romance, the next I found it sexy as hell then by the end, I had it as an all-encompassing love story that I just adored.”—Les Rêveur

  “I loved the attraction between the two main characters and the opposites attract part of the story. The setting was amazing. …I look forward to reading more from this author.”—Kat Adams, Bookseller (QBD Books, Australia)

  “This is a charming contemporary romance set on a cattle ranch near the Colorado Mountains. …This is a slow burn romance, but the chemistry is obvious and strong almost from the beginning. Breaking Down her Walls made me feel good…”—Rainbow Reflections

  “If you like contemporary romances, ice queens, ranchers, or age gap pairings, you’ll want to pick up Breaking Down Her Walls.”—Lesbian Review

  Falling Into Her

  “Falling Into Her by Erin Zak is an age gap, toaster oven romance that I really enjoyed. The romance has a nice burn that’s slow without being too slow. And while I’m glad that lesfic isn’t all coming out stories anymore, I enjoyed this particular one because it shows how it can happen in a person’s 40s.”—Lesbian Review

  “I loved everything about this book. …I’m always slightly worried when I try a book by someone who a) I’ve never heard of before; b) never published anything before (as far as I know). Especially if the book is in a sub-niche market area. But I’m quite glad I found my way to trying this book and reading it. And enjoying it.”—Lexxi is Reading

  “[A] great debut novel from Erin Zak and looking forward to seeing what’s to come.”—Les Rêveur

  The Road Home

  Brought to you by

  eBooks from Bold Strokes Books, Inc.

  http://www.boldstrokesbooks.com

  eBooks are not transferable. They cannot be sold, shared or given away as it is an infringement on the copyright of this work.

  Please respect the rights of the author and do not file share.

  The Road Home

  © 2020 By Erin Zak. All Rights Reserved.

  ISBN 13: 978-1-63555-634-6

  This Electronic Original Is Published By

  Bold Strokes Books, Inc.

  P.O. Box 249

  Valley Falls, NY 12185

  First Edition: May 2020

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.

  Credits

  Editor: Barbara Ann Wright

  Production Design: Susan Ramundo

  Cover Design by Jeanine Henning

  eBook Design by Toni Whitaker

  By the Author

  Falling into Her

  Breaking Down Her Walls

  Create a Life to Love

  Beautiful Accidents

  Closed Door Policy (novella in Hot Ice)

  The Road Home

  Acknowledgments

  When I sat down to write this book, I thought, “Oh, this will be a cinch. Write what you know, right?” I could not have been more wrong. Every single sentence had me ripping off a Band-Aid for a wound that has never really healed. Grief is a funny thing. Everyone handles it differently. I always heard people say losing a parent doesn’t ever get easier, it just gets less raw. It is so very true.

  I want to thank the Bold Strokes Books crew. Especially Sandy and Rad, who, for some reason, continue to let me tell my stories.

  I would be a horrible human being if I didn’t thank my insanely talented and hysterical editor, Barbara Ann Wright. You keep me humble. And you make me want to be the best I can be. Thank you for that. Seriously.

  Obviously, I need to thank Gail. Not only for loving me, but for putting up with me when I was moody. And I was very moody while writing this one. I love you so much.

  My friends. Oh, my friends. Jackie and Jean, I literally do not know what I would do without you both. Jackie, you keep me in line and, Jean, you push me out of line, and I love yo
u both equally for those reasons. Dena, Aurora, Maggie, Megan, ugh, I love you all so very much. Writing is so lonely sometimes, but you all help keep me sane and I am forever grateful.

  Last, and certainly not least, to anyone who has picked up my books and read my words, I wish I could explain how much it means to me. But even as a writer, I can’t quite come up with the right words to resonate the depth of the sentiment. All I can say is thank you. I mean it, from the very bottom of my heart.

  Dedication

  For anyone who has experienced the pain of losing a parent to cancer. And for my beautiful mom… I hope you’re enjoying the view.

  Chapter One

  “I still believe my mother hates me.”

  “And why do you think she hates you?”

  “Because.” Gwendolyn Carter sighs as she leans back in the leather chair. She squints in the dimly lit room at her therapist, Dr. Rudolph, who’s constantly unpacking the “mom” issues in these Thursday therapy sessions. And while some Thursdays, everything stays organized as she unpacks, others end up looking as if a bomb exploded. Unfortunately, today’s unpacking is bomb-worthy, and it’s messy.

  No casualties.

  Yet.

  Gwendolyn crosses her legs, and the sound her thigh makes as it separates from the leather makes her extremely uncomfortable. She wishes she would have given herself more time between her latest audition and the start of her therapy session because she’d have been able to wear something more comfortable than a dress. She wishes she would have faked an illness so she could have stayed on the couch in her West Hollywood apartment and continued binge-watching Orange Is the New Black. She wishes her anxiety didn’t cause her to sweat so much. She wishes she didn’t have to have a therapist. She wishes for a lot of things. But right now, more than anything, she wishes she could vanish into thin air. She glances at her legs at the years of scars from playing volleyball with complete abandon and no regard for her body. The scar from surgery to repair a damaged ACL. The scar from riding a moped when she was ten and wasn’t allowed to. The wounds always heal, but the scars remain.

  Especially the emotional scars.

  Dr. Rudolph finally smiles, points her pen at Gwendolyn, and says, “In the ten years I’ve known you, because has never been an acceptable answer. Try again.” Dr. Rudolph’s bangs are in her eyes, and as she moves them with the clicky portion of her pen, her smile fades. That look right there? The non-smile-after-the-bang move? It means business. And Gwendolyn knows it.

  “Y’know, I’m paying you. Not the other way around. I don’t have to talk if I don’t want to.”

  “Oh, I know.” The smirk on her face is enough to cause Gwendolyn’s irritation to rise. Dr. Rudolph is always right, and she always knows it, and it’s infuriating. “Do you know how many times we’ve sat here, and you’ve counted the seconds as they pass?”

  Gwendolyn rolls her eyes.

  “Gwen. Come on.” Dr. Rudolph tilts her head. “Why do you think she hates you?”

  “Honestly, Dr. Rudolph, you know better than I do why. You’re the one with the fancy degree.” Gwendolyn uncrosses her legs and scoots toward the front of the chair. Elbows on her knees, she clasps her hands together, squeezes them so hard a knuckle pops, pulls a deep breath into her lungs, and lets it out. The sound of her exasperated breath is loud in the small office. “You know everything about me. From the earliest visits when I was borderline crazy until now, when I, almost all the time, feel completely in control. And you know a lot of my issues stem from my relationship with my mother.” Dr. Rudolph continues to sit completely still. Almost as if she’s a fucking statue. Some Greek goddess who was formed from marble ages ago. She knows what Dr. Rudolph’s stoic posture means. It means, “keep going and don’t stop,” and it’s the last thing she wants to do, but she gathers more words and spits them out. “She hates me because I left Indiana. She hates me because I decided to pursue an acting career she never supported and because it was more important than moving back home to be strapped down to a dumb job in a podunk town in the middle of fucking nowhere. She hates me because I’m not what she wanted in a daughter.” She stops as the next words get caught. She clears her throat, hoping to dislodge them. She opens her mouth, and a tiny crack from her vocal cords is all that exits. She closes her mouth, and her teeth snap together. She knows what she needs to say. The need has been there for far too long. The words are always in the forefront of her mind. Finding the ability to form them with her tongue is what’s difficult.

  “Say it.”

  “It will be the first time I’ve ever said it out loud.”

  “I know.” Dr. Rudolph seems to be gripping her pen. Her knuckles are white. Her thumb is pressed on the clicky portion.

  “She hates me because I’m a lesbian.”

  There are a couple of beats of silence before Dr. Rudolph lets go of her pen and gasps. “You? No.” Her mock shock is enough to break the tension and send Gwendolyn into the laughter the moment so desperately needs. “You’re a lesbian? I had no idea.”

  “Your humor is the only reason you’re still my therapist.” Gwendolyn sits back in her chair, tries to relax, tries to remember why these sessions are important. Hiding behind a mask is what she does best. The career she chose compliments that eccentricity very well. But as the years have gone on, she’s worked her hardest to check her mask at the door in therapy. Today is no exception.

  “Of all your parts, why do you think she hates that part of you?”

  “You’re saying she has other parts she can hate?”

  Dr. Rudolph cracks a smile. “You know what I mean.”

  Gwendolyn shrugs. Her heart has taken residence in her throat, and again, she wishes for the magic spell that would let her be anywhere else but here. “I honestly don’t know.” If I did, maybe I would have been able to fix it. But of course, as with most things in her life, the minute she came out and after the berating—her mother reminding her of how imperfect she was, and how this “horrible phase” could crush their family—the secret was swept under the rug because her family doesn’t talk about the hard shit. Only the superficial shit no one really cares about. Only college plans and career goals and dinner menus and volleyball stats.

  Well, maybe people care about that shit, but not deep down.

  “Is all of this why you’re so afraid to go home for your father’s birthday?”

  Gwendolyn takes a few seconds before she responds. She has this inclination to laugh again because Really? Dr. Rudolph? You can’t fucking see all of this is the reason? She restricts the smartass inside of her, though, and decides to respond with a single, completely suitable nod.

  “Is it the only reason?”

  “More or less,” she whispers, and the tears she’s been holding back start to escape.

  “What else?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not worth it.”

  “Hmm.”

  “No.”

  “I have a feeling if we sit here long enough, you’re going to crack and tell me. I can see it bubbling beneath the surface.”

  “Please.” Gwendolyn rolls her eyes.

  “Did you get the part?”

  Gwendolyn closes her eyes. She was hoping the one constant of her life wouldn’t get brought up, wouldn’t be one of the reasons she’s dreading to go home. Even though she knows the truth: failing and not flying has started to wear on her in every sense of the word.

  “You know you need to talk about it.”

  “Fine.” She opens her eyes. “I didn’t get the stupid part.” Her throat starts to tighten. “You happy?”

  Dr. Rudolph doesn’t respond. And Gwendolyn is aware of why.

  “I’m sorry. It wasn’t a stupid part. And you don’t deserve my anger.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “I don’t…this part was supposed to be everything. The lead in what hopefully would be a blockbuster. Instead of scraps and supporting roles.”

  “Your big break?” she asks, and Gw
endolyn nods, eliciting a sigh. “I’m so sorry, Gwen.”

  She wipes her tears with the back of her hand, sniffles, then does the same to her nose. “Not only am I a giant lesbian, but I’m also a big fat failure.”

  “Gwen, you cannot think—”

  “No? Well, it’s what I am. In my mom’s eyes, in my dad’s…in mine.” She snatches a tissue from the table next to the chair. She empties her nose, tears drying on her face, and lets out a laugh that has no earthly reason to make an appearance right now. “You know she’s going to be so standoffish. She’ll act like her shit doesn’t stink, like I’m the problem, like I should have known I was never going to succeed. And deep down, we all know the tip of the iceberg is really ‘the lifestyle’ I’ve ‘chosen.’ I’m so sick and tired of it. Do you realize I’ve passed up like, oh, I don’t know, six or seven relationships because of my mom?”

  “Oh, I know.”

  “Don’t you think that’s fucked up?” She laughs again. “I mean, seriously. Who the fuck gives a shit what her mom thinks when she lives two thousand miles away? How screwed up am I?” She waits a beat, two, before she adds, “And I’m going to have to finally meet that stupid girl who moved in with them after I left and who basically took my place as their daughter.”

  “You mean Lila?”

  “Yes.” She sighs, bites her lip, tries to not cry. “Lila.”

  “You haven’t talked about her in a while.”

  “Well?” Gwendolyn pushes out a low groan, hiding the emotion and nerves pleading to be released. “Why should I? I don’t even know her. All I know is my dad loves her as much as he loves me, and my mom loves her probably more than she loves me.”